It's a new year and it's already February. I just got back from vacation with a few extra pounds. Eep! So day one of eating healthier starts today. I'm not sure if running will start today but it will be starting soon. I'm not sure if my congestion is gone out of my chest enough to be running. Perhaps I'll walk on the treadmill a little today just to get myself going.
Weight: 214
:(
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, September 19, 2011
The panda has stopped running
At least for this moment in time. I need to get started up again. I'm sure it would feel good, even if I was wheezing and struggling for a bit.
However, I have somehow still managed to lose some weight. As of this morning I'm at 204. I'm not really sure how that worked out but I'm really pleased about it.
However, I have somehow still managed to lose some weight. As of this morning I'm at 204. I'm not really sure how that worked out but I'm really pleased about it.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Running
is not for people working 6 days a week for 10 to 11 hours a day as a supervisor. Nope. At least not like an uber cool professional runner like Angela. I saw her running today. Jealous. :(
Friday, July 29, 2011
210
210. Two mutha fuckin' ten. :) It was nice to see that on the scale this morning. Certainly made this rainy and overcast day seem full of light. Hahaha... light. Get it? Like the weight I'm moving towards? *sigh*
I ran last night even though I wasn't super into it. At least not initially, once I got going my body just fell into it's rhythm and did it's thing. So my brain was free to wander (oh yeah, ran 3.5 miles aaaand I picked berries after work too). And wander it did. I started to see patterns with my emotions and my feelings. When a friendship or relationship in my life changes I automatically think and feel that it was somehow my fault. That it was something I did or did not do.
Bestie places the blame on a patriarchal society and/or learned helplessness. I'm not entirely sure I see where she's coming from. I'm trying to think about how a patriarchal society would make me feel like everything is my fault. There's just no connection there for me. Especially because I grew up in a single parent household, in which the single parent was my Mom. I certainly didn't get blamed for things that weren't my fault. I'm scratching my head here.
Learned helplessness is when a person feels powerless to change their situation. Again, I'm not sure how this relates to me placing blame on myself. I've definitely put myself in situations when I know what the outcome is going to be and that that outcome is going to be negative, but that's not the same thing. That would be more.. oh let's say.. self destructive or sadistic.
Oh damn... I just read some stuff that resounded with the shit that I've been thinking about last night and this morning. And yeah it's the internet, the MOST reliable source ever so of course it's all super accurate and all fact. The writer said that people who internalize bad stuff are often at a greater risk for depression. I can see that and I can relate to it. I know in the past when I was having a tough time, I would often think a lot of things going wrong was a result of something I did or didn't do. I would spiral into this self loathing and depressed state. There were times when I could bear to get out of bed or leave my room.
"So if a relationship breaks down the self-blamer may exclusively blame themselves 'I ruin everything!' rather than seeing outside factors such as the ex-partners behavior or external stresses on the relationship as also partially to blame."
"You may be a person who sees reality in very 'black or white' ways and applies perfectionist standards to your own performance and behavior meaning you continually let yourself down and then have an excuse to 'lash' yourself with recriminations."
Wow... who knew. I knew I held myself to perfection standards when myself was concerned. However, I didn't know that I held myself to perfection standards when others are concerned as well. And I feel stupid for that. How could I not see it?
Lots to think about. Kind of a splotchy jump around ish not super composed post.
On a happy note, I'm going into Anchorage today. That's why the picture of sushi is at the top of the post. I'm going to eat sushi when I'm there. And it's going to be fantastic.
 |
| Um... Yum. |
I ran last night even though I wasn't super into it. At least not initially, once I got going my body just fell into it's rhythm and did it's thing. So my brain was free to wander (oh yeah, ran 3.5 miles aaaand I picked berries after work too). And wander it did. I started to see patterns with my emotions and my feelings. When a friendship or relationship in my life changes I automatically think and feel that it was somehow my fault. That it was something I did or did not do.
Bestie places the blame on a patriarchal society and/or learned helplessness. I'm not entirely sure I see where she's coming from. I'm trying to think about how a patriarchal society would make me feel like everything is my fault. There's just no connection there for me. Especially because I grew up in a single parent household, in which the single parent was my Mom. I certainly didn't get blamed for things that weren't my fault. I'm scratching my head here.
Learned helplessness is when a person feels powerless to change their situation. Again, I'm not sure how this relates to me placing blame on myself. I've definitely put myself in situations when I know what the outcome is going to be and that that outcome is going to be negative, but that's not the same thing. That would be more.. oh let's say.. self destructive or sadistic.
Oh damn... I just read some stuff that resounded with the shit that I've been thinking about last night and this morning. And yeah it's the internet, the MOST reliable source ever so of course it's all super accurate and all fact. The writer said that people who internalize bad stuff are often at a greater risk for depression. I can see that and I can relate to it. I know in the past when I was having a tough time, I would often think a lot of things going wrong was a result of something I did or didn't do. I would spiral into this self loathing and depressed state. There were times when I could bear to get out of bed or leave my room.
"So if a relationship breaks down the self-blamer may exclusively blame themselves 'I ruin everything!' rather than seeing outside factors such as the ex-partners behavior or external stresses on the relationship as also partially to blame."
"You may be a person who sees reality in very 'black or white' ways and applies perfectionist standards to your own performance and behavior meaning you continually let yourself down and then have an excuse to 'lash' yourself with recriminations."
Wow... who knew. I knew I held myself to perfection standards when myself was concerned. However, I didn't know that I held myself to perfection standards when others are concerned as well. And I feel stupid for that. How could I not see it?
Lots to think about. Kind of a splotchy jump around ish not super composed post.
On a happy note, I'm going into Anchorage today. That's why the picture of sushi is at the top of the post. I'm going to eat sushi when I'm there. And it's going to be fantastic.
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| For fantastic fun. I don't think I'd ever eat this sushi though. |
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
213
I might have even been able to say 212. But I erred on the side of the heavier poundage. Moving in the right direction, I'm moving in the right direction. *happy sigh* It's slow but it's lasting. Supposedly I have 50 more lbs to lose before I'm in the normal body mass index range for my height. I don't know if I'll ever get there, but I'm gonna keep plugging away at it. If I do 2 lbs every two weeks that's a year. That blows my mind. Blows.
Ayaire came in on Friday and she came on my run with me. I ran from the yield sign up to the top of the hill and then turned around and ran/walked back to town with her after I caught up with her. It was a relaxing run which was really nice. It was also nice having someone there with me. Being able to chat and such on the walking portions.
Because I've been slacking off on making myself run, I printed off a new schedule. Same schedule just a new sheet so I get the pleasure of marking off the runs that I do. I think it'll remotivate me and I'll get back into running 3 to 4 times a week instead of 1 to 2 times a week. It better anyways. :) I should also look for a 5k in September or something so I have something to work towards. And an excuse to be in Anchorage for it!
I ran last night. I was super tired and that made me feel super slow. But I ran 2.5 miles instead of sitting on my butt, so I consider it a win.
Ayaire came in on Friday and she came on my run with me. I ran from the yield sign up to the top of the hill and then turned around and ran/walked back to town with her after I caught up with her. It was a relaxing run which was really nice. It was also nice having someone there with me. Being able to chat and such on the walking portions.
Because I've been slacking off on making myself run, I printed off a new schedule. Same schedule just a new sheet so I get the pleasure of marking off the runs that I do. I think it'll remotivate me and I'll get back into running 3 to 4 times a week instead of 1 to 2 times a week. It better anyways. :) I should also look for a 5k in September or something so I have something to work towards. And an excuse to be in Anchorage for it!
I ran last night. I was super tired and that made me feel super slow. But I ran 2.5 miles instead of sitting on my butt, so I consider it a win.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
214
Had a bit of a lazy weekend. But I didn't deviate too badly on my portions and eating. As a result I'm 214. That's one less folks. One in the right direction. It's a slow process but it feels good. And it feels permanent. Which is rather an incredible feeling.
I've had some amazing runs recently (not a lot of them, but they've been amazing). Last night (Monday the 18th) I went for a 3 mile run and I hauled my tushie as fast as it could go. I was sweating and heave-ing and ho-ing and loving every second. I'm pretty sure I was under 12 minutes miles. Not fast for some but fast for me. I'm slowly learning that that's what matters. It matters than I'm running. That I'm improving. That I'm doing this for myself. That I feel encouraged and happy about this change in my life.
It rained all weekend. ALL WEEKEND. Heavily. It was not conducive to running. But honestly neither was my frame of mind. I had a rather depressed patch over the weekend. I didn't really want to see anyone Saturday or Sunday. I slept a lot. I turned my phone off Sunday and it's been off since then. I'll probably turn it on today. It's been kind of nice though, leaving it in my room and not really thinking about it or caring about it. I'm not entirely certain why my mood was so foul. I have some ideas. Work is delayed on the White Alice project but once it gets started and there's a big push, it'll mostly be over this summer. That's one job down. The NALEMP stuff is running pretty smoothly. Just starting up at this point. IGAP is ongoing and continuing so it's kind of the only thing that would keep me here longer than it takes to finish WA and NALEMP. But I have nothing to make me leave. I have nothing to keep me here, but I have nothing to make me go either. I want some kind of dream, some kind of goal. Maybe that's why I can't sleep sometimes. I don't want to sleep because I have nothing to dream about. How do people find what makes them passionate? Are they born with it? Sigh...
The run before Monday was Thursday the 14th. Mom and I went up to Gram Janice's to see some big ol' owls that had been hanging out in her hood. We went up kinda late because this sleepy little panda dozed off and took a nap. (In addition to my running schedule going to hell, my sleep has been way off as well.) I was decked out in my running gear though, so about 40 minutes before Momma took off back to town in the car, I took off on my feet. I ran along the low road and then up to the top near the pretty tree and back down to the first stretch of road. I kept looking behind me after I got down the hill but she wasn't anywhere in sight. I didn't see her till I was around the tank farm. I kept my speed up and then sprinted across the slough bridge, barely beating her. :) I was so proud of myself! I so felt like Rocky when he climbs all the stairs and does the fist pump thing into the air. I walked/jogged my exuberant ass home and then ate popcorn (the new favorite snack).
I haven't done much walking but I did pick berries on the 13th and the 18th. That's a different kind of working out. My legs were super tundra sore after the 13th. Lol... Better get myself back into Native shape.
I've had some amazing runs recently (not a lot of them, but they've been amazing). Last night (Monday the 18th) I went for a 3 mile run and I hauled my tushie as fast as it could go. I was sweating and heave-ing and ho-ing and loving every second. I'm pretty sure I was under 12 minutes miles. Not fast for some but fast for me. I'm slowly learning that that's what matters. It matters than I'm running. That I'm improving. That I'm doing this for myself. That I feel encouraged and happy about this change in my life.
It rained all weekend. ALL WEEKEND. Heavily. It was not conducive to running. But honestly neither was my frame of mind. I had a rather depressed patch over the weekend. I didn't really want to see anyone Saturday or Sunday. I slept a lot. I turned my phone off Sunday and it's been off since then. I'll probably turn it on today. It's been kind of nice though, leaving it in my room and not really thinking about it or caring about it. I'm not entirely certain why my mood was so foul. I have some ideas. Work is delayed on the White Alice project but once it gets started and there's a big push, it'll mostly be over this summer. That's one job down. The NALEMP stuff is running pretty smoothly. Just starting up at this point. IGAP is ongoing and continuing so it's kind of the only thing that would keep me here longer than it takes to finish WA and NALEMP. But I have nothing to make me leave. I have nothing to keep me here, but I have nothing to make me go either. I want some kind of dream, some kind of goal. Maybe that's why I can't sleep sometimes. I don't want to sleep because I have nothing to dream about. How do people find what makes them passionate? Are they born with it? Sigh...
The run before Monday was Thursday the 14th. Mom and I went up to Gram Janice's to see some big ol' owls that had been hanging out in her hood. We went up kinda late because this sleepy little panda dozed off and took a nap. (In addition to my running schedule going to hell, my sleep has been way off as well.) I was decked out in my running gear though, so about 40 minutes before Momma took off back to town in the car, I took off on my feet. I ran along the low road and then up to the top near the pretty tree and back down to the first stretch of road. I kept looking behind me after I got down the hill but she wasn't anywhere in sight. I didn't see her till I was around the tank farm. I kept my speed up and then sprinted across the slough bridge, barely beating her. :) I was so proud of myself! I so felt like Rocky when he climbs all the stairs and does the fist pump thing into the air. I walked/jogged my exuberant ass home and then ate popcorn (the new favorite snack).
I haven't done much walking but I did pick berries on the 13th and the 18th. That's a different kind of working out. My legs were super tundra sore after the 13th. Lol... Better get myself back into Native shape.
Monday, July 11, 2011
No more weeks
The training schedule is over. And while I've been much more lack-a-daisy about running. I still have been running. I have maintained 215.
I ran on Wednesday, after taking a week off, and it felt amazing. My little legs wanted to go so I let them. We ran up to the top of the steep hill (just past the pretty tree, everyone should know which tree I'm talking about) and then turned around and started cruising down the hill when my iPod battery died! How rude! I ran the rest of the run with the sound of my haggard breathing moving in and out of my lungs. I ran just under 4 miles. Lovely.
I ran on Saturday. I was planning on a short run, but felt really good by the time I got to the turn off for first hill. So my ass thinking it's hot shit decides to just run on up first hill. On the tundra. It was steeper and longer than I thought. I pushed and pushed and pushed and got to the last steep part before it tapers off gently and couldn't get any more oxygen into my lungs. I had to walk the last part. I ran a wee bit more on the steep part, got bit by two bugs, and then scuddled my hiney down the not so steep 4-wheeler trail. I had a tough time catching my wind the whole way home. Soon as I think I'd got it back I'd speed up and within seconds be heaving and in pain. So I paced myself and my fantastic hot stuff run turned into a putt-putt home. Ah well. Cest la vie. I still ran. And it still felt good.
I ran on Wednesday, after taking a week off, and it felt amazing. My little legs wanted to go so I let them. We ran up to the top of the steep hill (just past the pretty tree, everyone should know which tree I'm talking about) and then turned around and started cruising down the hill when my iPod battery died! How rude! I ran the rest of the run with the sound of my haggard breathing moving in and out of my lungs. I ran just under 4 miles. Lovely.
 | |
| The incontrovertibly rude iPod that puttered out on my run. |
I ran on Saturday. I was planning on a short run, but felt really good by the time I got to the turn off for first hill. So my ass thinking it's hot shit decides to just run on up first hill. On the tundra. It was steeper and longer than I thought. I pushed and pushed and pushed and got to the last steep part before it tapers off gently and couldn't get any more oxygen into my lungs. I had to walk the last part. I ran a wee bit more on the steep part, got bit by two bugs, and then scuddled my hiney down the not so steep 4-wheeler trail. I had a tough time catching my wind the whole way home. Soon as I think I'd got it back I'd speed up and within seconds be heaving and in pain. So I paced myself and my fantastic hot stuff run turned into a putt-putt home. Ah well. Cest la vie. I still ran. And it still felt good.
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