210

210.  Two mutha fuckin' ten.  :)  It was nice to see that on the scale this morning.  Certainly made this rainy and overcast day seem full of light.  Hahaha... light.  Get it?  Like the weight I'm moving towards? *sigh*

Um... Yum.

I ran last night even though I wasn't super into it.  At least not initially, once I got going my body just fell into it's rhythm and did it's thing.  So my brain was free to wander (oh yeah, ran 3.5 miles aaaand I picked berries after work too). And wander it did.  I started to see patterns with my emotions and my feelings.  When a friendship or relationship in my life changes I automatically think and feel that it was somehow my fault.  That it was something I did or did not do.

Bestie places the blame on a patriarchal society and/or learned helplessness.  I'm not entirely sure I see where she's coming from.  I'm trying to think about how a patriarchal society would make me feel like everything is my fault.  There's just no connection there for me.  Especially because I grew up in a single parent household, in which the single parent was my Mom.  I certainly didn't get blamed for things that weren't my fault.  I'm scratching my head here.

Learned helplessness is when a person feels powerless to change their situation.  Again, I'm not sure how this relates to me placing blame on myself.  I've definitely put myself in situations when I know what the outcome is going to be and that that outcome is going to be negative, but that's not the same thing.  That would be more.. oh let's say.. self destructive or sadistic.

Oh damn...  I just read some stuff that resounded with the shit that I've been thinking about last night and this morning.  And yeah it's the internet, the MOST reliable source ever so of course it's all super accurate and all fact.  The writer said that people who internalize bad stuff are often at a greater risk for depression.  I can see that and I can relate to it.  I know in the past when I was having a tough time, I would often think a lot of things going wrong was a result of something I did or didn't do.  I would spiral into this self loathing and depressed state.  There were times when I could bear to get out of bed or leave my room.

"So if a relationship breaks down the self-blamer may exclusively blame themselves 'I ruin everything!' rather than seeing outside factors such as the ex-partners behavior or external stresses on the relationship as also partially to blame."

"You may be a person who sees reality in very 'black or white' ways and applies perfectionist standards to your own performance and behavior meaning you continually let yourself down and then have an excuse to 'lash' yourself with recriminations."

Wow... who knew.  I knew I held myself to perfection standards when myself was concerned.  However, I didn't know that I held myself to perfection standards when others are concerned as well.  And I feel stupid  for that.  How could I not see it?

Lots to think about.  Kind of a splotchy jump around ish not super composed post.

On a happy note, I'm going into Anchorage today.  That's why the picture of sushi is at the top of the post.  I'm going to eat sushi when I'm there.  And it's going to be fantastic.

For fantastic fun.  I don't think I'd ever eat this sushi though.